#44) Handling Anger

Hello, and welcome back to "Always Be Better" with Mel Windham.

Today I'm going to talk to you about anger, and I'll be honest. This is a difficult topic for me -- probably one of my biggest struggles in my life. I haven't quite figured it all out, but I can relate what I've learned so far.

My biggest problem is that I'm naturally a kind-hearted person. I usually try to avoid conflict. I'm always smiling. I'm listening to people, and talking with them. I'm cracking all kinds of funny jokes, and I make people laugh -- almost to an annoying degree. And people tell me frequently that I'm the happiest person they've ever seen.

It would surprise people to know that in actuality, I get angry all the time, and often it's at the littlest things. And I'm not exactly sure why this is the case.

One thing I do know ... all that smiling, laughing, and cracking jokes isn't a facade. That is the real me. That is, I'm not hiding anything -- I just get angry. I don't know why, and I try not to show it.

I -- well -- suck it in. I don't want people to see me when I'm angry. They wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Perhaps holding it in isn't healthy for me. It kind of builds up, and then I feel like I have to let it out somehow. Often I'm yelling at technology -- because, inanimate objects don't fight back or get their feelings hurt. Plus, I swear developers do not test these things on real human beings. 

I also find myself attacking perfect strangers on Twitter -- well, I do try to do it "nicely," but often I can sense a passive-aggressive sarcastic tone, which can easily rile up some peeps. I suppose it's easy to get angry with people you know you'll never see in real life.

Some things really get on my nerves: arrogance, bullying, lying, scamming, greed, putting down specific groups of people, and so on. And wouldn't you know it: we have a lot of this bad stuff going on in the world right now. So, there is plenty to keep me angry these days -- as long as I let it.

A few times -- as I can count on my two hands -- I've had really big blowups. And it really surprises people, because I'm really terrible at showing escalation. One minute I'm happy, and next I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. Several people at work know that I can "take them to the dumpster." You can ask them about that one.

In most of these instances the people I scream at forgive me because of the good relationships we have built. Though, I may have lost a friend or two in other situations. In all cases I wish I could have avoided the blowups. It is very easy to see after the fact how I could have handled it better.

Yet, in each case, there was an element of "truth" in my anger. That is, I've always had a sincere reason for being angry, whether I was reacting to an attack on a core belief -- or whether I felt no one was listening to me when I had something important to say. In each case there was passion -- I knew I was "right" to some degree. Of course, there were always other aspects where I was "wrong." But when those basest feelings come out, it's hard to see the "wrong" and only see the "right."

In one case, I was in this big argument with my friend, and we were both "right" and "wrong." And it wasn't until a third party came to rescue us, and helped us to listen to each other. It was only then we were able to acknowledge each others' "rights" and realize our own "wrongs." And it was only then we were able to find a way to continue -- and the solutions really weren't that difficult.

The biggest knowledge I've learned so far is that if you always hold on to good faith and the intent to always work things out, then that good faith will win, and things will indeed work out. After a big blowout, two friends can actually become stronger.

And what else have I learned?

It's okay to have the passions. It's okay to get angry. But then, it's how you handle that anger and passion that determines the success of what happens next.

It's wrong to hold it all in and do nothing. Passive aggressive behavior is non-productive and can lead to blow-ups.

The best way to handle anger, I think, is to do something about it. Channel the anger into positive actions. Find a way to talk to that person. Find a way to improve the situation. Or find a way to get out of a bad situation. Sometimes, you just have to leave.

This video series just so happens to be a coping mechanism I have for handling my concerns about the world going in the wrong direction. And on the most part, I think it's helping to diffuse much of my anger. Hopefully by the time we get to discussing the difficult topics, I'll have my anger in check.

So, give it a thought -- how are you coping with your own anger? Could you do better? Do you have any tricks to help diffuse it, or channel it into better solutions?

Next week we will return to the 7 Habits. We'll learn about win/win, win/lose, and other terms you may have heard somewhere else before.

If you've enjoyed today's discussion, then make sure to Like and Subscribe. Thank you for watching, and remember: we can "Always Be Better."